(nothing serious allowed)
I wish that I could write a poem or a witty piece of prose
But all that comes is doggerel which is somewhat on the nose.
I miss the place where we used to post exclusively for fun
Where nobody posted worries about the stuff that bothers everyone.
Where the jokes were hectic and eclectic in a column owned by Bro.Al
Where we liked to post our funnies, and it all went very well.
However, now we are on EG the format is of different kind
And Al’s eclectic site is plagued by the problems on folk’s minds.
John Miko said “C’mon Jano have a go” when I lamented the loss of fun.
So, “Jests, Jokes and Jollity” is what I’ve gone and done.
Now beware all those who would dare to post things to make us frown,
For I will ask the lovely Dale to moderate and take it down.
Image sourced from Fotonomy
Everyone Jan has set the rules for this discussion, Jest, Jokes and Jollity, nothing that makes us frown.
Cheers,
Dale
Thanks Dale, for your kind words, but mostly for the Jester - As David Jansen used to say in The Darling Buds of May, "Perfick".
ReplyDeleteAn old married couple is traveling by car. Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
ReplyDeleteWhen they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.
"But we didn't use them," the husband said.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."
"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
Don't mess with senior citizens..... They didn't get there by being stupid.
Ha, ha! Good one Dale - I just needed that laugh!
ReplyDeleteAnd Jan, I love it! I agree with Dale: a brilliant effort.
ReplyDeleteWhile on her morning ride on her broomstick, Prime Minister Julia Gillard falls off, has a heart attack and dies
So her soul arrives in Heaven and she is met by St Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Welcome to Heaven,' says St Peter, 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.
'No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,' says the PM.
'I'd like to but I have orders from God. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven, then choose where you'll live for eternity.'
'But I want to be in Heaven,' replies Gillard.
'I'm sorry .. But we have our rules,' Peter interjects . And, with that, St. Peter escorts her to a lift and she goes down ....all the way to Hell.
The sun is shining. The temperature is a perfect 22°C. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it are Gough Whitlam and thousands of Socialist luminaries who had helped her over the years.
Everyone is laughing, happy, and casually dressed.
They run to greet her, to hug her (except Rudd who is still recovering from the stab wounds to his back!! ) and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Gillard with a frosty drink, 'Have a tequila and relax, Julia!'
'Uh, I can't drink anymore; I took a pledge,' says Gillard, dejectedly. But you can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!'
Gillard takes the drink and finds herself liking the Devil, who she thinks is a really friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like herself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, like the Labor Party pulled at the last election with their master strokes on Education, Immigration, NBN, Petrol prices, Carbon Tax, Mining Tax, Budget Surpluses, Solar schemes, Health Rebate.
Before she realises it, it's time to go. She steps into the lift and heads upward.
When the lift door reopen, she is in Heaven again and St Peter is waiting for her. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says, opening the gate.
For 24 hours Gillard has to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster.
The day done, St Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.'
She answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- Heaven has been delightful -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.'
So St Peter escorts her to the lift and down she goes, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors of the lift open and she is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse.
She is horrified to see all of her friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil comes over to Gillard and puts an arm around her shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers a shocked Gillard, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!'
The Devil looks at her, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!
ReplyDeleteProudly
showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one
night, a drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass
gong hanging on the wall.
'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.
'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly
replied.
'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'
'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'
'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.
'Just watch' he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped
back.
His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded
silence.
Suddenly, a Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
'For
f*#k's sake, you stupid pr#ck . It's ten
past three in the f*#king morning !!!'
Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a dairy farmer.
ReplyDeleteOne morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks,
'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'
That's simple, by the nail over its stall', Maggie explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, ......
'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.
ReplyDeleteA man owned a small farm. The Department of Fair Employment, claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to -- the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the farmer.
ReplyDeleteMan wakes up one morning to see his wife in a skimpy negligee, standing by
the bed, and with some velvet rope in her hand. She purrs at him
"Tie me up
and you can do anything that you like" So he did, and went fishing!!
Golly, just back from Queensland to find your great new site Jan - and I can't think of a single joke!!. :-(
ReplyDeleteAh well, better luck tomorrow, but meanwhile, well done!
Cheers al
Yeah good poem too Jano. Some cracker jokes too, like the "half wit" particularly. And the "fishing"...
ReplyDeleteA man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful,
ReplyDeleteall agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honour.
"Happy Anniversary Mum & Dad" gushed son number one, a surgeon, "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry" said the father, the important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced "You and Mom look great Dad". I just flew in from Los Angeles between cases and didn't have time to shop for you". "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter, a marketing executive, arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we both worked hard were able to send each of you to university. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yes," said the father, "and miserable ones at that...”
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
ReplyDeleteThey say that there is no such thing as a free lunch. Then how come PM Gillard got a free sandwich at Marsden High?
ReplyDeleteFree Lunch
ReplyDeleteThe light turned yellow, just in front of him. He
did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have
beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her
horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the
intersection, dropping her cell phone and her makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her
window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The
officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..
He took her to the police station where she was
searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the
cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where
the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see,
I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy
in front of you the finger, and cursing at him. I noticed the 'What Would
Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the
'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian
fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally...
I assumed you had stolen the
car.''
Following Jan's theme above & being a Sunday here is one for you.
ReplyDeleteThere was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was shining, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do ... play golf or give the Sunday service. Shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant, told him he was sick and asked the assistant to take care of the Sunday church service for him. He packed the car up and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, ''Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.'' God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball and hit a perfect drive, straight as an arrow, four-hundred yards right to the green, where it gently rolled into the cup (as they say in basketball, ''nothing but net''). A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, ''Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.'' God smiled. ''I did. Think about it - who can he tell?''
ReplyDeleteJulia Gillard met with the Queen in England . She asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Julia frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send David Cameron in here, would you?"
David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, David, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Julia went back home to Australia and asked Wayne Swan, her Deputy Prime Minister the same question.
"Wayne , answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Wayne . "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Tony Abbott's shoes in the next stall.
Wayne asked, "Tony, can you answer this for me? Your mother and Father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Tony yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Wayne smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Julia.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Tony Abbott"
Julia got up, stomped over to Swan, and angrily yelled into his face, "No, You idiot! It's the English Prime Minister, David Cameron!"
Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"
ReplyDeleteStevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"
Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."
Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
But, "How do you putt?" asks Tiger.
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice."
Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"
Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that. OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"
Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night."
A man who lost an arm in an accident. He became very depressed, because he loved to play golf and thought he could not live without it.
ReplyDeleteOne day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw a man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw the man didn't have any arms at all!!
He thought, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."
He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one arm and felt so useless he had planned to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again, so he asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
The reply? "I'm NOT happy. I'm just itchy all over!!" :-(
With apologies to anyone I may have unintentionally offended
al
That's rash Al ! :-)
DeleteEver walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was?
ReplyDeleteTurns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses ...
Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an event boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next.
Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale. Thank goodness for studies like this. It's not our age, it's that stupid door!
Have i posted this here already? ...
I obviously have a lot of doors in my old noggin! I was also intrigued when I heard about that study, from memory on Robyn William's Ockham's Razor science show. (Yes, that hater of all things anthropogenic climate change sceptical).
DeleteCheers
al
Gees, I am glad that you told us this because I was thinking that I was getting Old Timers Disease or something but now I know that the problem is that we have 5 doors into the small lounge room.
DeleteProbably more better for me if I sit in the Computer room and exercise my brain.
I used to call my baby "Hinges" because she was something to a door...
DeleteI used to have a dog called "Meccanic" because every time I kicked him, he'd make a bolt for the door.....
DeleteKnock knock.
DeleteWho's there?
Czech.
Czech who?
Czech before you open the door!
ReplyDeleteA little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle.
"Awww, bullshit... You don't even know the way to the Post Office!"
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
ReplyDelete"Really" she said, "Go on then ... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday???"
Who is Jack Schitt?
ReplyDeleteFor some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Miss O. Needeep They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married her cousin Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chick N. Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.
Here's to Dale, a amn who knows Jack Schitt!
DeleteIn View of the Pretend PM's predilection for China, he may wish to stay at this hotel:
ReplyDeleteA friend went to in Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed. Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English
Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
The Hotel :
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat.
Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no
hope.
You will struggle to forget
Even robots know about Rudd the Dud... Guy goes into a bar where there's a robot barman.
ReplyDeleteThe Robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "A beer."
The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says,"168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, . . . But he is curious . .. . So he goes back into the bar.
The robot barman says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "A beer."
Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about car races, football, cricket and things of that nature.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "A beer," and the robot brings him his beer.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says, "SO, . . . You people still happy with Kevin?”
An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
ReplyDeleteThe barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does..."
Oh god, these jokes are sooo good.
DeleteI have not laughed for so long my back hurts.
And yes, I voted last Sat, but only because I do not want to do jail time, for my unpaid fine.
Geezuz Tony A as PM?? - seriously messed up, this plan....I wanna hit him over the head with my rag dolly (my nanna gave it to me when I was young and stupid)
What a bunch of losers these pollies are.
They would drive a busload of oldies off a cliff, to solve the problem of over-crowding in nursing homes.
Imagine the freak show sitting around a mahogany table, in the big house in Canberra trying to run Australia, sipping skinny lattés, doing awful things to a prawn salad, murdering a plate of multi-grain cheese roll ups.
I mean, it just does your head in thinking about these guys, these PC drop kick pollies.
Okay, I'm done
Ebony