The federal election is now over, it's time to lighten up a bit. This is a post for you to place jokes and eclectic thoughts. It's open to all subjects, not just politics. In fact the less politics the better.
We haven't had a post like since JESTS JOKES AND JOLLITY by JAN (nothing serious allowed) and Jan's one rule was to comment nothing that will make us frown.
To start off I'm copying this comment by Peter from the Open Thread.
Some little gems that I came across.
We hang petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher
Politicians are the same all over.
They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone.
Politicians are people who when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton, American actor/writer
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."
I offered my opponents a deal:
"if they stop telling lies about me, I’ll stop telling the truth about them"
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952..
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be
left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city…
it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924
Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)
Hypnotist
ReplyDeleteIt was entertainment
night at the senior citizens' centre.
After the community sing song led by Alice at
the piano It was time for the Star of the Show-Claude the
Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said
Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from
his waistcoat pocket A beautiful antique gold pocket watch and
chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high
for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been
in my family for six generations" Said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the
watch"
The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights twinkling as they were reflected from it's gleaming
surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
And then, Suddenly, The chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"
"SH..T" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre and
Claude was never invited to entertain again.
ReplyDeleteA man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'.
A young ventriloquist is touring around the countryside. One night, he's doing a show in a small town.
ReplyDeleteWith his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype us blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people.
Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... pathetically all in the name of humour!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this buddy! I'm talking to that little idiot on your lap!!"
Blonde Cookbook Diary
ReplyDeleteMONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway.
I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe.
When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager
for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.
ReplyDeleteDearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom
ReplyDeleteWise Italian Grandfather
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their
handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying.
He calls his grandson to his bedside,
Guido, I wan' you lissina me.
I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated
.38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.
How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day
you gonna be runna da business,
you gonna have a beautiful wife,
lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe
finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up'"?
ReplyDeleteLittle Charlie and his girl friend Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Charlie goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Charlie bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
... Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Charles, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Charlie replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit in it nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how
will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Charlie instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed. Charlie has put so much
thought into this. "Well Charles, it seems like you have everything figured out.. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Charlie just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
. . . . Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little bastard is so adorable!
ReplyDeleteA new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
Where can I shop now?
ReplyDeleteWhen I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me.”
Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this running amok security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.
Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.
I hate this getting older stuff.
ReplyDeleteA male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
Another Australian Government study provides outstanding results
ReplyDeleteCSIRO Officials admitted that they found about 200 dead crows on the highway between Noonamah and Palmerston, in Northern Territory, where there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
The Territory Government approved and the CSIRO contracted a bird pathologist to examine the remains of all the crows and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, much to everyone’s relief.
However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.
The Territory Government then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to explain the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kills.
After 18 months of research and $2.7 million spent, the Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in the deaths.
When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say “Cah”, but he could not say “Truck”.
Money well spent.
On ya Oz. (Oi-Oi-Oi)
ReplyDeleteThe Ocean – ALL you Need to Know!!
Children Writing About the Ocean….
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson . She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy, age 8)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better
off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and
I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is
always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has
just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right
up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown
I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.(James, age 7)
Peter N, that is great stuff from the kids. Great kids.
DeleteHave you heard anything about Mikko? His email is not receiving.
Regards,
a busy JCF
Out of the mouths of babes, good one Peter.
DeleteJohn C, Mikko is very busy, he'll turn up again when he gets some free time.
Thanks Dale. I thought maybe they sucked him up a dredge.
Deletef.y.i
US$23 million in algae to China. Pity Aust govt is so arrogant and ignorant and self interested to a point of being hillarious and on topic on this thread..
http://www.andina.com.pe/Ingles/noticia-perus-nontraditional-agricultural-exports-to-china-grew-64-480214.aspx
Hi guys no I escaped the dredges (and Gladstone) settled at the beautiful Sunshine Coast near Noosa. Been heaps to do but we are getting there. Great jokes too - my first visit for more than a month but not sure if I can still post with my new email etc. Here goes...
ReplyDeleteAha, had to re-do my profile but it finally worked. Must have felt my ears burning to come back for a look. Will send you my new email JohnCf but too busy for writing much lately. Dale and Peter, you should have my new email.
ReplyDeleteSick joke for the week. One for the Credence fans
ReplyDeleteA man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly.
Suddenly, Lorraine died.
At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
ReplyDelete"Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up.
He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature that
buttered toast always falls butter-down.
He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest.
He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat.
He won’t say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see it with his own eyes.
He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor."
"“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped
some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was
on top.”"
“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.”
“Well,” Fr Flannagan says, “it’s certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped
toast never falls butter side up. But it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll report the
matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc.”
An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese,
but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome. The final ruling is a negative, however. it reads:
“It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy’s room, quite
outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before
ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this
case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy's having
buttered the toast on the wrong side.”
Ha ha, Jan. Just love the 'logic'!
ReplyDelete
ReplyDelete"Irish Petrol Station"
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
Fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'
Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all.
My wife won twice last week.'
An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says,
ReplyDelete"I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!".
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."
ReplyDeleteIsn't this the bloody truth!
The Haircut
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied,
'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting
for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you , I'm doing community service this week.'
The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card
and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door
Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied,
'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The MP was very happy and left the shop..
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MP’s
lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens
of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
They are all full of SHIT !